A Couple of Baby Owls.

Last time in my series of posts where I look at how major life events have shaped my writing, I wrote about a satisfying way I got revenge after being cruelly and suddenly dumped by the man I thought was the love of my life. This time I’m writing about something else I did to help me survive and thrive in the aftermath – I attended a course called Rebuilding When Your Relationship Ends. (I used such a course recently in my novel The Dare Club, only I renamed it the Lift Up course).

One of the best things about the course was that I was in a room full of people who knew exactly what I was going through because they were going through it too! Friendships were quickly formed, and wild nights out arranged. We boogied together, rode on the back of fast motorbikes (well, I did!), but mostly, we talked, we listened and we cried.

The course covered many things, but one of the sessions that has really stuck in my mind was the session on the different relationship styles. They were illustrated with drawings of stick people, and I’ve attempted to reproduce them here from the book that accompanied the course. Please excuse the quality of my drawings!

 

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Master/Slave Relationship – speaks for itself!

 

 

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Martyr Relationship – 1 person always making sacrifices for the other in a controlling, emotionally blackmailing way.

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Pedestal Relationship – Loving someone for who you think they are rather than who they are. Hard to live up to?

 

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Dependency Relationship – holding each other up. But what if one wants to move? The other will fall over.

 

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Smothering Relationship – Is this what we think is the ideal? That special in love feeling? Feels great for a while.

 

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Back-to-back Relationship – still joined, but leading virtually separate lives.

 

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Healthy Relationship – 2 people happy within themselves, choosing to be together out of love.

My relationship that broke up was somewhere between a Pedestal Relationship with a touch of a Master/Slave relationship thrown in! In my novel The Dare Club, which is about what happens when 4 very different people meet at a Lift Up Course Colette has a similar experience, while Nick has recently come out of a dependency relationship. He has a photo of himself and his ex-wife leaning together looking like a “pair of baby owls” – sweet, but a bit helpless!

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What shape is your relationship?

Margaret XX

 

The book Rebuilding When Your Relationship ends is by Dr Bruce Fisher and Dr Robert Alberti, and is available on Amazon.

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4 thoughts on “A Couple of Baby Owls.

  1. I’d have to say we’re in a healthy relationship, because it’s the only one that sits perfectly with me. Not that we’re a perfect couple, he drives me mad sometimes and I daresay I do him at times (rarely, of course!). I thought long and hard about the Martyr relationship, because I felt that perhaps there is an element of that in us, but eventually came to the conclusion that it works both ways in our relationship, so neither is actually a martyr.

    I also found this really interesting to think about when I was reading The Dare Club.

    • Juli – I did reply before, but for some reason it didn’t show up. Anyway, your relationship sounds good and normal to me! I think we probably all have elements of a lot of different styles at one time or another. I think my relationship is healthy, although I probably have a tad more power. But he is my rock!

  2. Nicely expressed. Also an influence upon any relationship is how each person grows or adapts. If a relationship can be identified in this manner above, then perhaps steps can be taken to bring evolution.

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